Identity – Who do I become here?
Part 2 About Identity and infertility
Going through life changing moments gives you an opportunity to dive into your deepest rooms inside of you.
An IVF journey can give you these moments where you find yourself in places you never known before.
Many of my clients going through this kind of experiences are talking about getting to know yourself on a deeper level.
Seeing parts of themselves they never seen before, and how they find their way through a time with a feeling of a new identity.
Sometimes they feel stuck, with no possibilities in sight.
Sometimes extremely frustrated, knowing they have been doing everything “right”, but no baby this time either.
Sometimes they lose hope. Like an endless deep falling, while crying or just feeling so empty that nothing matters at that time.
Sometimes they feel so alone. Even if they are in a loving relationship.
Sometimes they feel a strong envy of everybody else´s pregnancy or baby-showers.
Sometimes they must take all of their strength to feel happy for a friend, a brother or a sister, are colleague who just announced their pregnancy.
Sometimes they feel angry and disappointed on their body and life.
Maybe you have felt like this too, or is feeling it right now?
All this is normal.
You are going through hard times. It is life-changing moments.
No one has given you the exact road map for this special journey earlier in your life.
No one taught you about where there will be obstacles, wins, ups and downs and how to manage your ride.
You need somehow to create your unique map during the ride.
An IVF journey involves body, mind, soul, and spirit.
Even if you are a confident, strong and down-to-earth person, used to focus on solutions and the one “who solve every problem”, it will affect you.
In different ways, on different days. And I think you already know what I am talking about, don´t you?
If you are in a relationship it´s common to take turns being “the strong and positive one”.
Mostly this part is for the partner, not going through the treatment.
To stand beside your loved one, seeing an experiencing what she is going through is also hard, but not often showed so clearly.
Even if it is shown, it often shows like this;
It can be shown as being too much positive and hopeful.
It can be shown as being firm and wanting to take a break.
It can be shown as being quiet, not saying or doing so much, being more away from home.
It can be shown as not wanting intimacy.
It´s not easy to be the one carrying the hope, to be the comforter, and to see possibilities every time.
This affect both of you and you are both allowed to feel sad and to be disappointed in the moment. It doesn’t make you a bad person who cannot support your woman, it makes you real with similar feelings to an unknown situation.
It´s a really good thing to take some time with your partner and talk about this together.
Because it is common that we misunderstand each other when we both are under a high level of stress and uncertainty.
Like, when you are being firm and want to take a break, because you have seen her tears, her pain and you want to spare
your loved one from this again.
She can feel the opposite, like you do not care at all. Like you are giving up on your family, you don’t want a baby or starting a family anymore.
There is a time for everything. Even if you are going through this roller-coaster of feelings, maybe you don´t recognize the former you,
it doesn’t mean you have to stay in these states.
Going through these states can give you great experiences for life, but staying in a low state is not helping you forward.
Do you want to try this small exercise to help you move forward?
1, Just take a moment by yourself and think about; Who do I become here?
-What do you see then?
Try to look at yourself with loving, caring eyes and embrace all your feelings and behaviors.
2, Now, take a new moment and reflect on;
What do you already see as your positive strengths, related to what you´ve been going through.
3, If you are in a relationship; find 3 things that has been positive for you as a couple.
We have much easier to find the less positive things about ourselves and our partner, so if you have something you feel stuck about;
What do you need right know to move forward?
If you are in a relationship, Tell them what you need.
If it’s about you, talk to yourself like if it was to your best friend, what great advice do you want to give then?
The feelings and moments in your life will come, good and bad.
But you have the key to how long you will let them control you and your life, and how you want to react on them.
You know, you can’t change your past, but you can change your future!
You can´t control what´s happening around you, but you can control how you let your thoughts and feelings come to you, and how you want to react.
When you find yourself in a state you don´t want to be in or have more, know that you are able to change it.
You already have the power within you!
And remember, You are not alone,
I am here for you 🙂
Your Coach & Therapist