Part 2 About Identity and infertility
Going through life changing moments gives you an opportunity to dive into your deepest rooms inside of you.

An IVF journey can give you these moments where you find yourself in places you never known before.
Many of my clients going through this kind of experiences are talking about;

A time where they get to know themselves on a deeper level

Seeing parts they never seen before, and how they find their way through a time with a feeling of a new identity.

Sometimes they feel stuck, with no possibilities in sight.
Sometimes extremely frustrated, knowing they have been doing everything “right”, but no baby this time either.
Sometimes they lose hope. Like an endless deep falling, while crying or just feeling so empty that nothing matters at that time.
Sometimes they feel so alone. Even if they are in a loving relationship.
Sometimes they feel a strong envy of everybody else´s pregnancy or baby-showers.
Sometimes they must take all of their strength to feel happy for a friend, a brother or a sister, are colleague who just announced their pregnancy.
Sometimes they feel angry and disappointed on their body and life.

Maybe you have felt like this too, or is feeling it right now?
All this is normal.

You are going through hard times. It is life-changing moments.
No one has given you the exact road map for this special journey earlier in your life.
No one taught you about where there will be obstacles, wins, ups and downs and how to manage your ride.
You need somehow to create your unique map during the ride.

An IVF journey involves body, mind, soul, and spirit.

Even if you are a confident, strong and down-to-earth person, used to focus on solutions and the one “who solve every problem”, it will affect you.
In different ways, on different days. And I think you already know what I am talking about, don´t you?

If you are in a relationship it´s common to take turns being “the strong and positive one”.
Mostly this part is for the partner, not going through the treatment.
To stand beside your loved one, seeing an experiencing what she is going through is also hard, but not often showed so clearly.

Even if it is shown, it often shows up like this;
It can be shown as being too much positive and hopeful.
It can be shown as being firm and wanting to take a break.
It can be shown as being quiet, not saying or doing so much, being more away from home.
It can be shown as not wanting intimacy.

It´s not easy to be the one carrying the hope, to be the comforter, and to see possibilities every time.
This affect both of you and you are both allowed to feel sad and to be disappointed in the moment. It doesn’t make you a bad person who cannot support your woman, it makes you real with similar feelings to an unknown situation.

It´s a really good thing to take some time with your partner and talk about this together.

Because it is common that we misunderstand each other when we both are under a high level of stress and uncertainty.
Like, when you are being firm and want to take a break, because you have seen her tears, her pain and you want to spare
your loved one from this again.
She can feel the opposite, like you do not care at all. Like you are giving up on your family, you don’t want a baby or starting a family anymore.

There is a time for everything. Even if you are going through this roller-coaster of feelings, maybe you don´t recognize the former you,
it doesn’t mean you have to stay in these states.
Going through these states can give you great experiences for life, but staying in a low state is not helping you forward.

Do you want to try this small exercise to help you move forward?

1, Just take a moment by yourself and think about; Who do I become here?
-What do you see then?
Try to look at yourself with loving, caring eyes and embrace all your feelings and behaviors.

2, Now, take a new moment and reflect on;
What do you already see as your positive strengths, related to what you´ve been going through.

3, If you are in a relationship; find 3 things that has been positive for you as a couple.

We have much easier to find the less positive things about ourselves and our partner, so if you have something you feel stuck about;
What do you need right know to move forward?
If you are in a relationship, Tell them what you need.
If it’s about you, talk to yourself like if it was to your best friend, what great advice do you want to give then?

The feelings and moments in your life will come, good and bad.
But you have the key to how long you will let them control you and your life, and how you want to react on them.

You know, you can’t change your past, but you can change your future!
You can´t control what´s happening around you, but you can control how you let your thoughts and feelings come to you, and how you want to react.

When you find yourself in a state you don´t want to be in or have more; Know that you are able to change it.
You already have the power within you!

And remember, You are not alone,
I am here for you 🙂

Your Coach & Therapist

Tina

Who am I? (Part 1)

This is the first of three articles about Identity facing and struggling with infertlity.

Going through IVF and making the journey towards having a baby in your arms, does something to you. Both physically and emotional.

Over the years I have met a lot of women and couples in therapy and counselling where they all ask themselves; “Who am I?..”. Maybe sometimes you see yourself as the childless person, she who cannot get pregnant, or she who cannot give birth to a baby, or he who isn´t a father.
During these times; getting pregnant and having a baby, this is a common issue. You want so hard to become a mother, a father, a parent and to have this child to love and taking care of, but nothing happens. Or a lot happens, but not as you expected it to be.
The time goes, your due date may have been many, your pregnancy-tests also. The rollercoaster of your emotions has its own ride, and it takes you to places you never known before.

Emotions
All these emotions make you feel a certain way. It´s common to experience feelings of lack of control, that can make you feel lost or confused.
Both on the road you are at, and about yourself.
Some emotions can be so strong and the feelings so real that it becomes a truth.
When you struggle in life the feelings can be overwhelming, and it can put a negative sound on many thoughts about yourself. Like “I can never do anything right”, “I am a failure”, “This happens because I am a bad person”, “I am not worthy to become a mother” and so on.

Maybe you have focused all of your time, your thoughts, feelings and dreams planning this baby, and because of that you have waited to go on a vacation, meet friends and family, travel, or changing your job.
When life gets fulfilled with focus on a goal or a dream, we often put aside everything else knowing it will take us there faster.
But this time it doesn´t work that way, and we must reconstruct the way and our engagement, sometimes more than one time.

So, Who are you? Really? together with all your life-experiences? What is the bigger picture of you? Even if you right now are struggling with infertility, or struggling to become a mother or a father? Or even if you aren´t pregnant yet, or not yet is having a child of your own.

Do you want to try this little exercise out?
First take a deep breath in and then exhale. Well, make it three times. It is always good to do, especially when you go from one thing to another.

This is an exercise that will help your mind to shift focus, and we involve your body and soul too, great isn´t it!? Are you ready?
-So put on some great funky music that makes you want to dance.
-Do yourself proud by your best dance moves! Come on! Have a little fun time, no one is watching!
-Then, take a break (whenever you want) and look at yourself in the mirror.
Imagine that nobody would know anything about what you been going through or are going through right now.
-Smile at the beautiful woman you see in the mirror (that also have fun moments) and keep that state in mind, while you think of:
How would you introduce yourself to a new person you really want to get to know and make a good impression on?

Maybe you will tell them about:
your passions in life
Which are______________________
things that makes you happy
Which are______________________
what makes you have a good laugh
Which are______________________
what and who inspires you
Which are______________________
what makes you feel awe in life
Which are______________________
your strengths & your life-lessons
Which are______________________
things you are thankful for
Which are______________________

You know, your identity is not your feelings or struggles to have a child or become a parent, you have feelings and struggles.
You are so much more than that, you are special and unique, beautiful, and strong just the way you are.
Remember emotions are just emotions. And feelings are just feelings
On this journey you need to be in charge of your thoughts about yourself.
Because otherwise your thoughts are in charge, together with your emotions and feelings. And they can give you a false picture of who you are and what you are becoming.

When you take control of how you react on the inside about what´s happening on the outside, you will experience less stress, feeling more confident and calmer because you, yourself are in charge of your emotions. It will help your brain to focus more on the positive strengths you have and the good things about you.

You don´t have to lose yourself even if it´s common to feel a bit lost during this time. You are right where you should be, on your journey to the destination where you want to meet your baby. You have your map, but you don´t know when you will reach your destination.
I am here to support you and guide you whenever you need it.

Tina Thomasine Börjesson
Therapist-Pediatric and Infertility nurse-LifeCoach